Vaikka ihmissuhteissa on tullut epäonnistuttua kerta toisensa jälkeen, uskon vahvasti siihen tunteeseen, joka tulee vain sen tietyn ihmisen löydettyä. Tällä hetkellä olen vasta 21-vuotias. Elämä edessä ja uusia asioita kokematta. Päätin, että tällä hetkellä elän vain itselleni, sekä läheisilleni. Koen, elän ja tunnustelen. Onnistuin tai epäonnistuin elämässäni, niin teen sen tällä kertaa yksin.
// A lapse here, a lapse there. Failures, mistakes, dissapointments. It does not always work out.
Everything went wrong, all wrong. For once in my life I have fallen in love. One single time.
I have dated a guy here and there, but only once have I been together with someone on a more serious level. I have met a variety people, and thought, why? Why have I wasted my time on this person, when in the end it would not become a thing, just nothing. Countless times I have thought of why I have gotten to know people that mean absolutely nothing to me and are an absolute waste of my time. Why did I spend all that time with someone, when I could have been much happier alone? You know what they say, I would rather be unhappy alone, than unhappy with someone else? Sound familiar to any of you? Even though I do regret things and relationships in my past, now as a grownup, I have learned to turn these mistakes into power and experience. I have learned a lot. Also without the things that happened to me, I would not be who I am today. I would not be as strong as I am now. In my previous relationship I went through a whole lot of stuff. I saw and experienced things that I would have much rather not seen, ever. Within those years, remained a whole lot of good, but also so many dark things, things that should never be a part of a relationship. Or not even outside a relationship should they take place. Countless times, I have thought, why me? And I feel like I know the answer.
Later on, I finally got out of that relationship, feeling stronger than ever. Still to this day I go through the things that happened when I was in the relationship, because they are fresh on my mind, weekly. What happened to me, is something that damaged my feelings a lot, and it is extremely hard for me to let people close to me. I build a cover of steel on my heart to not get hurt, I changed a lot and you could really see it. Those things will have an affect on me for a very long time...
After the breakup, I let a few people get close to me. I trusted in them and I had faith in them. Big mistake. Again, same thing happened, dissapointments, failures and regrets. Just when I thought Im feeling like myself again, like Im living again, everything just has to go wrong. I started building a wall, once again, this time even a thicker one than last time. At that point, I decided, I will only let people truly close to me and my heart be a part of my life, only those who truly deserve me in their lives (not to be selfish, but after everything that has happened, I know I deserve something more.)
I have finally started to get a hang of things again, and grown strong. Small things dont scare me anymore. I have experienced so much in my life that you cannot even guess. I am not ready to talk and open up about what happened to me, because I havent had a closure with the things myself. At the end of the day I am only 21 years old, supposed to enjoy life and the things it brings to me.
I just wanted to let you guys know this, my life is definitely not all about Louboutins and Chanel bags, behind this all, there are problems and tough times. Maybe one day I will be able to tell you what happened, but right now I am just focusing on living my life, failures or no failures, this time Im doing it alone.
soul more than